Overlooking the fact that Australia are pitted against an England team that has suddenly risen to a standard of cricket that very few expected of them, the tourists themselves have a number of things they can’t really boast about.

1. The time machine is yet to be invented

Yes, they can’t get Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath, Ricky Ponting, Adam Gilchrist, Matthew Hayden and Michael Hussey back into their studs. Without them their team is a little devoid of, err, magic.

2. No one is winning them matches single-handedly

By no one I actually mean a specific person whose initials are MC, who is also the current captain of the team and isn’t the best model for any shampoo brand.

3. They can’t open champagne bottles even if they somehow win a match

Well that’s cause they haven’t invested in good openers. And yeah the pun was intended. Their opening pair seems to find the pavilion a much more comfortable place. Not to mention the fact that they keep getting replaced every now and them. And oh, one of the openers is also a punching machine. Pun intended yet again.

4. You don’t win if it ain’t spin

Even in English conditions, a top-class spinner is a necessity. I’m not sure whether a slow paced debutant who impressed more with his batting than with his actual job qualifies as one. But yeah, Cricket Australia doesn’t really have a luxury of choice in this department.

5. They are making more news than runs

Don’t blame them, it’s obviously better to see a reporter talking about you on TV than commentators discussing about their lunch while you bat. Jokes apart, they sacked the coach, the coach sued them, Warner punched poor Root, Clarke allegedly called Watson "cancer". Keeping aside the morale of the dressing room after all this, I’d still want Australia to pounce back like a wounded tiger and make news like “Aussies crush the English”. After all, nothing is better than seeing a close Ashes.

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