Before we get started, something must be declared. My love for Marco Reus knows no bounds. I'd like to run through a meadow with that jet-heeled blonde bombshell, with our matching summer dresses billowing in the wind while the posies Marco has tied into our french plaits bounce gayly on our heads.
Ideally we'd then find a nearby tavern and sup pints of mead and discuss our plans to to establish a butter churning business. It would be taboo. The people wouldn't like it, but we'd do it anyway. Think Julia and Winston from 1984, but with more Twitter followers and a Puma sponsorship deal.
The reason for this full and frankly disturbing disclosure is that Reus will likely leave Borussia Dortmund soon, and having been charged with writing an article about where he could go, you, dear reader, must know I have his best interests at heart.
So Manchester United; keep your filthy claws off of m̶y̶ ̶m̶a̶n̶ him. He's not made for you so don't even bother. Louis van Gaal will be well aware of Reus from his time in Germany but why tarnish something so perfect, so beautiful by smearing a pair of grubby formation-swapping, ship-stabilising, temperamental Dutch mitts all over his chops?
Where would he even fit anyway? In and amongst that gaggle of preening narcissists and womanisers he'd stand out like a sore thumb. The world was never meant for one as beautiful as him, but now we've got him we can't just throw him to the Old Trafford wolves.
- Marco Reus will reject Arsenal transfer
- Dortmund star will stay in Germany, claims coach
- Arsenal lead race to sign 'new Reus'
Were he to join Arsenal, it would be akin to Shrek bedding Jessica Alba. It's just not going to happen, no matter how drunk she gets. I think there's a valid point in there somewhere. Chelsea and Manchester City want him, as will Liverpool but all three have flaws, of which there are too many to list now. I've got to walk home tonight rather than get the tube for one; that's really put a squeeze on my time so you'll just have to guess what they are for now.
Nope, there's only one thing for it Marco. You need to stay in Germany, and with Dortmund. Sure, we'd still be separated by a plane journey, or perhaps a restraining order once your lawyers see this article. But it's for the best. If you love someone you have to let them go, and that's what I'm doing.
In Dortmund, you have a team built to your strengths, who play for you, Marco. They idolise you, for crying out loud. That Klopp chap may not be much to look at, but by jingo his side can play some soccer ball.
This season isn't exactly going to plan but on their day, as they demonstrated against Arsenal, they're unstoppable, and mesmeric to behold. For the benefit of the game, he needs to stay, too. Sure, a move to the Premier League would offer the chance to earn his fortune, but Dortmund are football purity incarnate.
Fan-owned, and with ticket prices that make Premier League games seem as though they should come with a small stake in the club, every football lover should be rooting for them to succeed against they money-men, liggers, desparados and charlatans than inhabit the game's murky waters.
Key to them succeeding is Reus, the local boy done good. Robert Lewandowski and Mario Gotze may have gone, but while the big man is still in town, they can still dream. So this is a direct plea to Manchester United, Chelsea and all the other giants of the English game who want their pound of flesh. Back off, or I'll scratch your eyes out, so help me god.