27 things that are more fun that watching Liverpool play

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Over the weekend, Liverpool took on Sunderland in what has to be the snooze-fest of the season thus far. The closest thing to excitement was Raheem Sterling’s mazy run from midfield to the edge of the box, and that lasted all of 10 seconds. The most exciting instance of the first half happened with the last touch of the ball, a skewed header from a Black Cat brute following a Sunderland corner. That alone tells the story.

On a weekend that saw Everton, Tottenham and Arsenal all drop points, the Reds decided to conjure up this stinker. The momentum following consecutive  was nonexistent and now the fixture against Manchester United at Old Trafford next weekend turns into a borderline must win.


Irrespective of how putrid United has been the past season and a half, they should never rely on going to Manchester and needing all three points. Especially since Louis van Gaal’s men have started to find form of late.

So instead of writing about what Liverpool should or should not do or attempting to tell you that this is still, somehow, Mario Balotelli’s fault, instead I’ll talk about what I would have rather been doing than subjecting myself to two hours of that poorly produced horror show.

I’d rather…

Go to a hardware store and compare doorknobs

Write a 25 page research paper

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Apply for a job at McDonald's

Watch “Bridezillas”

Drink nothing but prune juice for three days straight

Attempt to navigate the day using only my non dominant hand

Repeat every sentence I say all day

There's more...

Repeat every sentence I say all day

Wait in the Doctor’s office

Take 15 flu shots

Take 15 tequila shots

Get bitten by Luis Suarez

Still going....

Replace Suarez with nine average players

Rely on Simon Mignolet

Get kicked by Nigel De Jong, Xabi Alonso style

Grapple with Martin Skrtel on a set piece

Work in a beetroot factory with Rickie Lambert

Run into Vincent Kompany's colossal forehead

Yep, still going....

Carry shopping bags for a woman and following her store to store

Interview Gregg Popovich in an attempt to procure any information 

Use just one leg to walk on all day

Use a public toilet

Sit between two loud, obese persons on a 6 hour plane ride

Listen to screamo music for 5 hours

Saunter around London barefoot all day

Sit in on court cases all day

One more....

Move to Ukraine

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Mario Balotelli
Premier League

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