Ah, Jose! It's been too long! Pull up a chair, my friend - cigar? Now we've got the formalities out the way, let's get to the thick of it. I like you. In fact, I really like you. No, I don't support Chelsea, but I follow you. Not literally, of course.
You see, I'm one of these football 'hipsters' everyone's so keen to distance themselves from. I'm not exactly a proper football man. But here's the thing Jose; neither are you.
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me, though I'm at a loss as to why no one else seems to have figured this out. You see Football for the entertainment industry that it really is, not the 'sport' that everyone thinks it is.
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What other sport receives the same levels of frenzied media attention, utter idol adulation and enough money to bailout Greece in TV rights alone? Football now has more in common with Hollywood than the Olympics, and in this world, you're bigger than Bowie.
Not since Sir Alex Ferguson have we had a manager who so perfectly manipulates the media with the perfect blend of charisma, eccentricity and textbook misdirection. You have every journalist and blogger eating out the palm of your hands, and who can blame them?
With Blockbusters ranging from Omelettes, Mother Hens and Little Horses, football fans around the world, whether they love or hate you, hang off your every word. But your latest scandal is abstract in the extreme.
Consider this; Chelsea relentlessly marched to the title last season through their effortless blend of free-scoring style and defensive resolve. Though if we're really being honest, it wasn't those elements alone, now, was it?
The real reason the title turned out to be a formality was this; Chelsea were the most injury-free of all the contenders. Chelsea's main 11 players could boast over 2000 First-Team minutes, each. This is unprecedented. Manchester United and Arsenal could only lay claim to seven and six respectively.
Chelsea had no injury crisis whatsoever with four of the 11 completing over 3000 minutes over the course of the entire season. Technically this makes Chelsea's medical team bigger miracle workers than Jesus himself.
So fast forward to the opening game of the season, a day bigger than Christmas to football fans around the globe.Down to ten men, drawing 2-2 and holding on for dear life, Hazard, a player hardly known for being overly precious, stays down.
The ref summons the medical staff onto the pitch for treatment, who, with their more than proven medical expertise, deem it necessary to treat the player on the side-lines. Chelsea do not concede a goal in that period despite being down to nine men.
Jose Mourinho throwing club doctor Eva Carneiro and head physio John Fearn under the bus in an attempt to protect his ego may end up doing far more damage than good. When luck runs dry and injury hits the starting 11, we need look no further than his bench to realise Jose's disturbing lack of gratitude and awareness. Thankfully, it looks like this won't be going away without a fight.
Jose Mourinho may have shot himself in the foot with his latest outburst. At that point, he won't be able to rush Eva Carniero and team to the pitch quick enough.