What you're about to read in this story will shock and disturb you, and for that we're sorry. Your 2016 is about to get off to the worst start imaginable.
Why? Because Pep Guardiola, a man praised for his football genius with a love for flowing football, has revealed himself to be nothing other than a charlatan with a love for a big man up top.
The current Bayern Munich manager, who is soon to take charge at Manchester City/Manchester United/Chelsea/Southend/Leyton Orient/Renford Rejects, was asked in an interview back in 2006, which has been republished by the Sun today, to pick out his favourite English player.
Of course, there's not hundreds to choose from but there are some good ones. Wayne Rooney perhaps, or Frank Lampard. Maybe Steven Gerrard. For crying out loud, even John Terry.
Nope, Guardiola didn't choose any of those. He didn't even choose James Milner. You know who he went for? (that's rhetorical, the answer is in the headline). Peter Crouch. Peter f****** Crouch.
“Wayne Rooney is perhaps more decisive and beautiful to watch," he said, presumably about his playing style rather than actual appearance.
“But what’s certain is that Crouch conditions you more. With Crouch, you have to play to Crouch’s game. And playing to Crouch’s game gives you a lot.”
It's a well known fact that Crouch does indeed have good feet for a big man, and his goalscoring record for England is actually pretty good - 22 goals in 42 appearances no less.
Still, this feels like the nadir for English football, and lord knows that says a lot.