What does the Premier League and British pubs have in common?
Well, sadly, they’re both out of action due to the coronavirus pandemic and it remains to be seen when either live sports or enjoying a pint with your mates will be back on the table.
However, that doesn’t mean we can’t look to the future and imagine how we’ll celebrate the return of England’s top division as well as the wonderful world of pubs, bars and nightclubs.
And here at GIVEMESPORT, that got our overactive self-isolation brains thinking, so we decided to combine those two sorely missed aspects of British life into one.
Given that most Premier League clubs head to the bar at some point during the season, many of you will have debated with your friends which figures in football you’d most like to party with.
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Premier League managers on a night out
So, bearing that in mind, we’ve decided to look at all 20 Premier League managers and pose the question: who would be the best on a night out?
We know a few names are already coming to mind, but hold fire for one second and check out how we think the 20 head coaches would rank… that, and take our tongue-in-cheek comments with a pinch (actually, a boulder) of salt.
20. Roy Hodgson
This is why pubs have coffee machines now.
Strap yourselves in for some quiet chats around a cappuccino that you just have to imagine real hard is an Irish coffee. Persuade Roy to the club and he’ll tell the DJ to ‘turn the music down’, before dialling a noise complaint to the police.
19. Graham Potter
Classy cocktail bars only.
A night out with Potter involves talking about literature and the economy while sipping Old Fashioned cocktails that get you leathered but, somehow, seem to have no effect on him.
Sets a strict 23:00 curfew and sticks to it every single time.
18. Mikel Arteta
The Monica Bing of nights out. Plans the entire evening within an inch of its life and hurries you into finishing your pint if you haven’t left pub number four within the allotted time, even though he slyly only ordered a shandy for himself.
Takes pulling tips from his former boss. Mixed results so far.
17. Eddie Howe
Howe is always on the prowl.
Likening himself to the PE teacher that everybody has a crush on, you can bet that he’ll be hovering around the dance floor, quietly racking up rejections as he half-heartedly floats into dance circles.
Purchases glasses of clear liquid by 2am that you know is water, but he insists is vodka with flat lemonade.
16. David Moyes
A night out with Moyes back in the day was simply unmissable, but it’s no longer ‘the day’.
Whatever happened during a disastrous sesh in Manchester a few years ago has scarred him for life and he’s never really thrown himself at a party ever since.
Often left on blue ticks in WhatsApp groups asking around if anyone fancies a beer and settles for any offer he can get.
15. Daniel Farke
Prepare for hour-long lectures on the new, organic, indie pale ales he’s drinking that are ‘changing the game’. Forget a humble Carling and strap yourself in for Blood Orange Ale of the Great Anglian Coast.
That, and deep heart-to-heart chats by the third pint which are strangely aggressive.
14. Frank Lampard
You know that one friend in your group who avoids the dance floor like the plague? That’s Frank.
You know deep down that Frank has got the moves, but he’ll always be leaning classily against the bar while you’re all making complete fools of yourself to ‘One Kiss’ and ‘Shape of You’.
Claims he’s had as many drinks as you all, but a VAR check is usually required.
13. Jose Mourinho
Very charming and persuasive during the first pint, then the banter starts crackling by the second and it starts to feel like you’re having the best night ever… but things completely change by the third.
Something about that third drink makes Mourinho lose his head, start arguing with the bartender for having served someone else first and getting emotional about the past by waving three fingers at an ex-girlfriend.
Usually sent home before he makes the club, but somehow wangles his way back into another friendship group the weekend after.
12. Nigel Pearson
After death-staring pints of Doombar for three hours, you just know Pearson will be spending the night getting into scraps. He’ll be landing so many punches the dance floor will look like a bomb went off at a dentures factory.
11. Nuno Espirito Santo
Don’t expect anything in the way of ‘bros before h***’ if you’re on the town with Mr. Romance.
Santo will be swanning around the dance floor with his silver tongue, irresistible charm and penchant for buying fancy cocktails with half a palm tree in the glass which he allegedly drinks in Portugal.
Starting to gain entry to VIP areas and always a hit with European tourists.
10. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer
A quiet, timid yes-man who will go to whichever pub, bar or club you fancy, only to sit in the corner with a WKD or bag of peanuts looking completely out of place.
Absolutely hammered by the third round, often drunkenly monologuing about wild nights in ’99, but somehow regains his composure whenever it looks as though he’ll need stuffing into a taxi.
Loves a student night.
9. Steve Bruce
By the time 1am approaches, you just know Brucey will be pointing to the exit and thinking about the drinking food.
He’ll give you an old-fashioned night around the local pubs and will gravitate towards the 80s floor if you insist on going to a club, but the evening starts for him when it ends for most.
Knows the owner of his local kebab shop will slip him an extra tray of cheesy chips to go with his ceremonious Pukka Pie that he asks for by saying: ‘the usual please’.
8. Dean Smith
Smith is the kind of guy to ask you out for ‘one beer’, only for you to wake up the next morning not knowing how you managed to get home. He’s that slightly quiet, very crafty member of the group who always has ulterior motives: getting you leathered.
7. Brendan Rodgers
The dad of the group.
The type of guy to see his mate throwing up against a wall, run over to give him an emotional team talk and applaud him for showing ‘great character’ when they miraculously make it past the bouncer again.
His mates Kolo and Joe will always come piling in if the proverbial hits the fan.
6. Carlo Ancelotti
You could take Carlo to the dingiest club in town and he’ll still order a glass of red wine, just to stand in the corner like a classy motherf*****. There might be students wading about in their own sick, but Carlo will still look as though he’s stood in a Dolce and Gabbana ad.
An absolute magnet for hen dos.
5. Sean Dyche
EDM clubs at 5am are the order of the night… with a side of worms, of course.
A mosh pit isn’t a mosh pit until Dyche bulldozes in with his head-banging and flying elbows. And if there’s any sign of a balloon, he’ll jump up forehead-first like he’s a heading away a corner.
Just don’t get him started on diving past the fifth pint.
4. Pep Guardiola
Here comes the money.
We’re talking VIP booths, arriving in a limo, bottles of champagne and cocktails with dry ice. He’ll even tip the bouncers and reject the high street wristbands for reduced entry.
But even if he wingmans you to a successful pull, you can still expect a completely unwarranted dressing down on how you could do even better next time.
3. Chris Wilder
The type of guy who sips on the house ales that look like someone put a bread loaf in a blender.
He’ll start talking about the good old days until you start thinking he’s your grandad, only to catch you completely off guard at the nightclub by throwing shapes and chatting up the ladies.
Gives you the best night out of your life without you even knowing how he managed it.
2. Ralph Hasenhuttl
The dance floor clears… the bass is about to drop… here comes Big Ralph… let the madness unfold.
Hasenhuttl enters the club like a man possessed, trotting around with the most copiously-sized beer glass you’ve ever seen and lip-syncing so aggressively it looks like the hairdryer treatment.
1. Jurgen Klopp
This. Is. Carnage.
A night out with Klopp is one you’ll be telling the grandkids about… “that’s right little Jimmy, he just went to the bar and came back with 35 Jägerbombs”.
He’ll grab you by the cheeks and scream ‘mentality monsters’ into your soul if you’re struggling to see off a pint and slap everybody who’s out on the backside as they peel away from the urinals.
The scenes when you wake up will be so unbelievable that it’ll inspire ‘Hangover 4: The True Story’.
Best managers on a night out
Come on, could it be anybody else at number one?
You can just imagine the Liverpool boss geeing up everybody on the night out with a stein in each hand, screaming his lungs out on the dance floor and greeting you with a massive bear hug.
And as for whether Hodgson would hit ‘999’ or Mourinho would lose his head after three pints, we are – obviously – only joking and imagine all 20 coaches would give a team night out their all.
That being said, as much as we think Potter and Howe might be secret party animals, we feel pretty confident that Klopp is the only number one that would instigate a sesh for the ages. After lockdown ends, of course…