Every Premier League manager ranked by how good they'd be to self-isolate with

  • Kobe Tong

The United Kingdom has spent the last six weeks in lockdown during the coronavirus pandemic.

In order to combat the tragedy and bereavement that COVID-19 has brought upon thousands of people across the country and the world, everyone is staying at home and self-isolating.

That, of course, means Premier League footballers and managers are, just like the rest of us, being forced to do any non-essential work from home and wait for the spread to be contained.

It's interesting for football fans to hypothesise how their idols are coping with long hours indoors, as well as the inevitable boredom and stress, just as we are.

So, for a second, let's imagine a scenario where you had the opportunity to self-isolate with a Premier League manager just before the country went into lockdown - who would you choose?

Managers in lockdown

We imagine that a few preferences are coming to mind and that got us borrowing into a rabbit hole of hypotheticals here at GIVEMESPORT, deciding to rank all 20 managers by that very question.

Sadly, we're not privy to how each and every coach is behaving in this tough and difficult time, so we've taken a light-hearted approach based on fan perceptions and stereotypes of each of them.

We are - of course - only joking, so take everything below with a pinch of salt, but disclaimers aside, you can check out who we think the best Premier League coaches to self-isolate with would be:


20. Jose Mourinho

Self-isolating with the 'Special One' is only heading in one direction: downhill.

The first week will have so much promise with board games and puzzles galore, the second week will be an absolute riot with quizzes and brotherly hugs, but week three really puts the 'down' in lockdown.

You'll be baffled to see him emerging from his bed at 1pm every 'morning', calling you a 't***' under his breath when you cross paths in the kitchen and openly mocking you in WhatsApp groups when he murders you at Monopoly.

The first to shave all his hair off.


19. Nigel Pearson

When he's not responding to the neighbour's dog barking by, erm, barking back at it, Pearson will be organising the household like it's World War Three.

You'll wake up in the middle of the night to hear Pearson waving the hoover around like a leaf-blower and dropping the F-bomb with a bottle of Dettol in his hand at the first sign of a food stain.

Worth having a getaway driver on speed-dial if you don't keep up with the kitchen-cleaning rota.

Manchester United v Watford FC - Premier League

18. David Moyes

Back in the day, self-isolating with Moyes would have been the stuff of dreams, but a 'rough year in Manchester' that he solemnly mentions seems to be shrouded in as much mystery as the 'fishing trip' in Gavin & Stacey.

Eating his bland dinners and drinking out-of-date beers in silence will make you feel as though you've been cat-fished after hearing old stories about his heyday.

Gillingham FC v West Ham United - FA Cup Third Round

17. Graham Potter

You better hope books and podcasts are your thing.

Potter will be sitting with the latest New York Times' bestseller with his legs crossed by the fireplace, ready to whip you a disappointed look if you dare change the channel from BBC Radio 4 to anything vaguely resembling reality TV.

Religiously tunes in for every second of Boris Johnson's updates.

Brighton and Hove Albion v Sheffield Wednesday - FA Cup Third Round

16. Roy Hodgson

Cannot, for the life of him, work out how to unmute himself on Zoom calls.

You'll spend 10 full minutes trying to mouth instructions to him about the microphone symbol, before he inexplicably exits the call with 'poor connection'.

Ploughs through the Telegraph crossword like it's Fulham 4-1 Juventus all over again.


15. Mikel Arteta

Organises each day within an inch of its life. Fancy a workout? Only if it's between 10:30 and 11:00. Fancy doing a pub quiz? God forbid it isn't after 16:00.

Has to sit in the corner and quietly count to ten if you overcook the pasta, before sheepishly taking you to the side and giving you ice-cool advice on how to improve next time.

Constantly on FaceTime to his former boss whenever things are getting hard.


14. Eddie Howe

Scramble for your old PE kit because Howe has discovered his lockdown passion: Joe Wicks.

Nothing gets Howe more excited than the prospect of bashing out mountain climbers and crunches at 9am because he's a 'morning person' and 'the grind doesn't stop'.

Struts around the kitchen in a Bournemouth tracksuit like a full-kit w***er and inexplicably pauses between household tasks to stretch his calves. Squats while he's brushing his teeth.

Liverpool FC v AFC Bournemouth  - Premier League

13. Frank Lampard

We all have that one friend who's learnt about one million new skills in lockdown and made us all free terribly inadequate. That's Frank.

You'll be hearing all about the online economics course he's been hammering from his own bedroom and he'll even order your Chinese takeaway in Mandarin because, well, he's had time to.

Plays classical music during the cooking.


12. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer

Feels lonely within two hours and tries to be 'down with the kids' to see if Marcus Rashford and Jesse Lingard are up for a game of FIFA, only to find out he hasn't had Xbox Live for a decade.

Resorts to TikTok dances by the second week and may have lied about his 5k challenge.

Manchester United v Manchester City - Premier League

11. Pep Guardiola

I hope you're ready to become best mates with the Amazon deliveryman because a new van full of completely unnecessary orders will be arriving at the door each day with a receipt longer than your arm.

Impeccably clean around the house, although his flashy £400 Supermop 3000 will make you wonder whether that's more from his big spending than actual skill - and some of his purchases turn out to be complete rip-offs.

Seeing him rustle up dinner is like some sort of art-form, mind.


10. Daniel Farke

"What a beautiful opportunity to spend more time with nature," Farke says to you in a caramel-like German accent on day one of lockdown.

By day ten, you know every square-foot of his allotment, how to plant pansies with your eyes closed and why the organic, vegan, gluten-free craft beer he's been drinking is 'the best thing since sliced bread'.

Will bring you closer to your spiritual side, apparently.

Newcastle United v Norwich City - Premier League

9. Dean Smith

Look, a few months locked away with Deano isn't going to be an indoor Ibiza, but this is a man who's risen up the ranks - he's going to look after you.

He's the type of guy to wink at you after putting an extra Yorkshire pudding on your plate and secretly pass you a second beer as though it's the most rebellious thing he's done since the 1980s.

Avert your eyes when he's climbing into a Grand Canyon of lycra for his daily run, though.

Aston Villa v Norwich City - Premier League

8. Nuno Espírito Santo

Everybody loves Nuno.

He'll set up a local system to call the elderly to keep them company, only for his phone to fly off the hook because Dorris from two streets down can't go an hour without his saucy Portuguese accent.

Leaves the bathroom feeling like a sauna from the sheer steaminess of his chat.

Espanyol Barcelona v Wolverhampton Wanderers - UEFA Europa League Round of 32: Second Leg

7. Steve Bruce

Why is there no vanilla extract at the supermarket? Brucey, that's why.

Bruce will be perfecting the art of the banana loaf to the point he'll demand an honorary degree in it from Newcastle University and spamming his CV into Paul Hollywood's inbox for a shot on Great British Bake Off.

Gives you uncomfortable eye-contact while he's kneading dough.

West Bromwich Albion v Newcastle United - FA Cup Fifth Round

6. Carlo Ancelotti

Rocks up from the supermarket with a trolley full of red wine because it's apparently part of his 'essentials'.

You're in for the cooking of your life self-isolating with Ancelotti. Even if his options have been limited to CostCutter or Budgens, he'll still be leaning against the hob next to a bubbling pot of seductively-smelling pasta sauce.

Tucks you into bed every night. Without fail.

Everton Unveil New Manager Carlo Ancelotti

5. Jurgen Klopp

Ah... the relaxation of being at home... not a worry in the world. Not with Klopp around. Oh no. Forget self-isolation, we're talking self-annihilation.

If you dare make a mistake on the jigsaw puzzle, you're being marched out of the bedroom and having your mentality questioned. Over-season dinner and he'll risk the £60 fine to have James Milner come and replace you.

But... if you avoid those cardinal sins, you'll make it to beer o'clock and might see Klopp face down in the sink the next morning with absolutely no explanation of what happened.


4. Brendan Rodgers

Prepare for your self-esteem to enter the stratosphere. Forget arguments and bickering, simply doing the laundry will be enough to earn a 'great character' comment and heartfelt applause.

If you cook up a spaghetti bolognese that's anywhere near 5/10 standard, Brendan will lean over the dining room table and whisper into your ear: 'I've always believed in you'. 


3. Sean Dyche

Self-isolating with Dyche will be the time of your life. You'll find yourself passionately debating an episode of Emmerdale and fist-bumping each other if you get more than £5,000 in the cash-builder on 'The Chase'.

Offers you a game of football in the garden, only for you to discover that that entails you throwing the ball up into the air for him to meet with a whopping headed clearance.

Belts out EDM music instead of 'happy birthday' when he's washing his hands.

Sean Dyche is Presented with the Premier League Manager of the Month for February

2. Chris Wilder

You're in safe hands self-isolating with Mr. Wilder. We're talking the best roast dinner of your life, drinking beer he's home-brewed in his garage and converting the front garden into a full-on putting green.

Empties half the kitchen draw to batter a saucepan for the NHS clap because he *needs* to be the loudest.

Sheffield United v Norwich City - Premier League

1. Ralph Hasenhuttl

What do you mean you don't want a stein of beer with your lunch? Tough, it's self-isolation with Big Ralph.

The Saints boss really puts the 'pub' in pub quiz. Your mates will be dishing out some terrible general knowledge questions while pints are coming your way like they're flying off the production line.

Spends his downtime ranking craft beers on a scale of 'Losing 9-0' to 'Not getting sacked'.

Crystal Palace v Southampton FC - Premier League

Who would you self-isolate with?

Are we right? Are we wrong? Who would you fancy self-isolating with?

It's easy to imagine Klopp kicking back with a few beers each night, Wilder enthusiastically supporting the country's amazing key workers and Lampard embracing the chance to learn new skills.

At the end of the day, though, we hope all 20 managers are finding a way to manage lockdown that suits them and we can't wait to see each of them on the touchline when football returns. 

Atletico Madrid v Liverpool FC - UEFA Champions League Round of 16: First Leg

Besides, there's no right or wrong way to act in a time as traumatic and unprecedented as these. Stay safe and stay at home everyone.

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