Do you reckon Donald Trump fancies another League Cup draw?I mean, seeing as the self-proclaimed 'Very Stable Genius' is going to be without a job very soon, perhaps it would be a lovely blast from the past for him to declare 'Peterborough United' with that terrifying pout and jazz hands again.Besides, who could forget his involvement in the 1991/92 fifth-round draw of the Rumbelows Cup, proudly proclaiming that he played football during his high school years?
Busy week of politics and sport
Perhaps we can imagine, therefore, that, as the presidency slipped through his fingers this week, he started to rally the rest of his Republican party by declaring: 'Come on lads, it's still 0-0!'
Besides, we are talking about a man who reflects the culture of the beautiful game in at least two ways: boasting a haircut that screams Gordon Strachan and a headwear repertoire all-too reminiscent of Tony Pulis.
Ok, aside from those two critically-important details, I'm pretty sure football will be keeping Mr. Stop The Count at a bargepole's distance in the aftermath of a US election that, in sporting terms, felt like a dramatic 4-3 thriller.
GIVEMESPORT Awards #5
While it might not have been accompanied by the wild lashings of Martin Tyler's vocal cords - Christ, that's an image - you really felt as though Joe Biden arrived at the back-post with an Andy Carroll-esque header.
It’s a terrifying analogy for the neck and brain cells of said 77-year-old, but Bidinho hasn’t been alone in dramatic wins and getting thousands off their sofas this week - and that’s where the GMS Awards come in.
So, sit back, relax, safe in the knowledge we took no postal votes and enjoy our fifth, weekly winners in everything from ‘Player of the Week’ to ‘Urban Dictionary of the Week’ and so much more.
Goal of the week
Valentino Lazaro vs Bayer Leverkusen
Mr. Lazaro, have my babies. It was looking as though Eberechi Eze was going to take this week's award for a smashing, albeit not life-changing, free-kick vs Leeds United, but then THIS happened on Sunday night.
Just when you thought the scorpion kick was merely a party trick that Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Olivier Giroud performed for a few weeks in 2016/17, Lazaro brings it back in almighty fashion for Borrusia Monchengladbach.
The former Newcastle United man can expect a Puskas Award nomination at the very least for what is an extraordinarily fluid and acrobatic piece of skill that poetically pinged into the far top corner.
Player of the week
Ruslan Neshcheret
Now, yes, the European football connoisseurs out there will know that Neshcheret shipped three goals against Shakhtar Donetsk on Sunday and didn't cover himself in glory for the opening strike.
But let's get some context here because we're talking about an 18-year-old who made his Champions League debut away to Barcelona in mid-week and left with the Man of the Match award.
The third-choice stopper produced 12 saves, the joint-third most by a goalkeeper in Europe's premier competition, including outrageous stops from a Lionel Messi free-kick and an Ousmane Dembele belter.
So, yes, shoutout to Diogo Jota, Gabriel Jesus and Angel Di Maria on a strong seven days, but you've got to tip your hat to a youngster who seemed to have the deck stacked against him, only to come up trumps.
Manager of the week
Jamie Vermiglio
'Who?' I hear you ask. Well, the first round of the FA Cup seemed to fly under the radar at the weekend, but that shouldn't have been the case with National League North side Chorley FC securing a historic win.
That's because the sixth-tier side astonishingly came back from 2-0 down to defeat League One Wigan Athletic in their own backyard and all with Vermiglio shouting orders from the technical area.
The headteacher at Locking Stumps Primary School in Warrington looked rightfully delighted with his team's performance and it was the perfect way to mark his 100th game in the Chorley dug-out.
Could I have picked Hansi Flick or Brendan Rodgers? Of course I could, but could either of them mastermind a historic FA Cup victory one day and mid-COVID-19 educational management the next? No chance.
Game of the week
Torquay United 5-6 Crawley Town
Where do we even start with this madness!?
Aaron Nemane and Ben Whitfield looked to have put Torquay in control with a 2-0 lead at half-time, only for Crawley to fight back through Tom Nichols' penalty and a 108th-minute equaliser from Max Watters.
Nevertheless, astonishingly, Josh Umerah bundled Torquay back into the lead, but the visitors forced extra time with Jordan Tunnicliffe converting in the 21st - yes, twenty-first - minute of stoppage time.
A pair of Asa Hall penalties then fired Torquay into a 5-3 lead, but Nichols scored a quickfire double for his hat-trick and Ashley Nadesan bagged a winner to flip a mind-blogging cup tie on its head.
Outrageous skill of the week
Nicolo Barella's assist vs Real Madrid
There are some skills in football that just shouldn't be shown before the watershed. You know, the type of inspired trick that makes you hot under the collar, lick your lips and slacken your belt.
Ok, enough about my own, personal reaction to Barella's astonishing back-heel against Real on Tuesday, but I'm sure we can all agree that it was one of the most incredible assists of the season.
It's clear that the Italian must have built-in wing mirrors to have seen Lautaro Martinez's run, the touch of a romantic lover to weight it so perfectly and the pizazz of Bruno Tonioli to crown it with a cheeky pirouette.
Fallon d'Floor
Luke Ayling vs Leicester City
Leeds had a Monday evening to forget last week as they slumped to a 4-1 thrashing against Leicester City and full-back Luke Ayling hardly covered himself in glory during the defeat.
That's because the former Yeovil Town man went crashing to the ground from an apparent Christian Fuchs tackle for one of the worst dives we've seen in the Premier League so far this season.
However, credit to Ayling, because Fuchs later revealed that the Leeds defender had in fact apologised for his actions and you can't ask for more than that in a world where everyone makes mistakes.
"In all fairness Luke Ayling excused himself right after the penalty incident and after the game for his dive," Fuchs revealed. "If I went all the way in it would have been a penalty for sure. Thanks for the great game Luke."
Strangest punditry of the week
'Mohamed Salah's dive insulted Nobby Stiles'
Sigh. Now, first things first, I do indeed believe that Salah dived against West Ham United and I don't claim to have read Tony Cascarino's entire article in The Times about said incident.
But no matter how brilliantly, poorly, or averagely whatever argument he pitched was made, there can be no forgiving, in my eyes, the original headline that essentially piggy-backed off terribly tragic news.
I know the point they're loosely trying to make and I don't think for one second that anybody involved was rubbing their hands together at the potential topicality of a World Cup-winning legend having passed away.
That being said, I'm sure we can all agree that the original phrasing was in poor taste and credit to The Times for tweaking it accordingly. Besides, RIP Nobby, the football world misses you already.
Disasterclass of the week
VAR on handball decisions
The game’s going to hell in a handcart. Wait. S***. Not a handcart… an armpit cart? A natural silhouette cart? A God-forbid-footballers-had-anymore-than-two-limbs cart!?
This award is usually reserved for players who have endured a particularly tough few days, but VAR has ticked us off so much with some of its bonkers, inexplicable and infuriating handball rulings that we had to make an exception.
We're talking about the penalties given during Chelsea vs Rennes, Leicester vs Wolverhampton Wanderers and Liverpool vs Manchester City specifically that raise one whopping middle finger to the integrity of the game we love.
Just check out the snaps of the decisions below to see poor Dalbert Henrique, Max Kilman and Joe Gomez being punished for essentially having hands and doing normal hands things with them.
Oh, and if you’re wondering where a certain Fulham penalty-taker is hiding, then bear with us…
Tweet of the week
Southampton mock Donald Trump
Ah, Twitter. You'd be forgiven for thinking that President Trump had gotten the platform confused with Tumblr this week, channeling his inner 12-year-old to emotionally weep his anger, sadness and contempt in 280-character vomits.
And what does he get in return? Well, sorry, Donald, but the answer doesn't rhyme with bigotry and abysmally, as apt as that might be, with Premier League clubs joining the long queue of accounts turning his tweets into memes.
The best of the bunch undoubtedly came from Southampton, though, as they celebrated topping England's top flight with a 2-0 win over Newcastle United by proudly declaring: 'STOP THE COUNT.'
But it seems as though you get the same result regardless of whether you're managed by Trump or Ralph Hasenhuttl with Liverpool, Tottenham Hotspur and Leicester City pulling a Biden shortly after.
Craziest bet of the week
Floyd Mayweather on the NFL
Ok, so this isn't football - well, not football as UK readers know it - but we couldn't resist including the sheer madness of the bet that Mayweather uploaded on his Instagram account this week.
Naturally, the 50-0 fighting legend bet a mind-bending $200,000 on the Green Bay Packers to beat Super Bowl winners San Francisco 49ers, winning himself a handsome $366,000 in the process.
We all love something in life and for Mayweather, money is that thing. Though, unless you're Floyd, I wouldn't recommend that you take whatever your passion is, make it your nickname and cover strippers in it.
At least, I'm not sure the adult dancers of this world would appreciate me catapulting digestives biscuits in their direction.
The Sunday League award
Serbian game lasting only five seconds
Lasting five seconds isn't something to write home about at the best of times, but it was no laughing matter in the fifth tier of Serbian football, which, albeit not strictly Sunday League, was too fascinating to exclude from our awards.
That's because, according to Balkan football expert Richard Wilson, Vrelo vs Spartak turned into what could be the shortest football match in history.
Spartak had turned up with just seven players available, only for one of them to pick up an injury with just the fourth touch of the game, prompting the fixture's abandonment and an automatic 3-0 victory for Vrelo.
S***hoursery award
Luis Suarez checking VAR screen
You couldn't write it. The GMS Awards are only five weeks old and the King of S***hoursery himself has already won this award twice. Twice in 35 days. That's world-class s***housing at least once every 17 days!?
However, after all the biting, diving and generally being a wind-up merchant, Suarez might have discovered his most unique instance of s***housery yet and he's clearly adapting with the times.
That's because the Atletico Madrid striker was hilariously booked during the Champions League draw with Lokomotiv Moscow for following the referee to the VAR screen for a cheeky peek.
But the official, unsurprisingly, wasn't impressed with Suarez putting him under extra pressure for a key penalty decision, so thwacked him with a yellow card and proceeded to give Lokomotiv a spot kick. Ouch.
The Roy Keane award
Man Utd's defending vs Ä°stanbul BaÅŸakÅŸehir
United might have regained their composure a little by winning at Everton, but let's face it, they're going to be mocked for their abysmal defending in the Champions League for years to come.
You dread to think how many blood vessels exploded on Keane's face when Demba Ba was inexplicably-gifted a one-on-one opportunity from a United corner courtesy of Nemanja Matic's non-existent marking.
Frankly, the disorganisation of the defending was such that it should have been eligible for the Sunday League award and that's before we mention three United players marking each other for the second goal.
The only sad thing is that Keane himself wasn't on TV duties for this absolute meltdown, though, that being said, Ofcom might have been gridlocked as the Irishman unleashed an X-rated tirade.
Man Utd penalty of the week
Bruno Fernandes' spot-kick header
Just when you thought 2020 couldn't get any more bizarre, United have managed to go an entire week without taking a penalty and that includes the women's squad as well as the youth teams.
Somewhere, somehow, Homer Simpson is walking the near-apocalyptic streets with a handbell proclaiming that the planet is going to explode, die and wither because of this Earth-shattering break from normality.
Ok, in all seriousness, let the absence of a winner from this already completely tongue-in-cheek award show that 'VARchester United' isn't as much of a conspiracy as you might think is.
Then again, we couldn't resist cracking a terrible joke regardless because Bruno Fernandes and the penalty spot still seem to be partaking in a steamy relationship judging by the position of his first goal at Goodison Park...
Managerial innuendo of the week
Jurgen Klopp vs Manchester City
"I saw only Joe’s back in that moment when the ball hit him, it could have been anywhere."
Steady on, Jurgen, I hope you found the ball in the end... that's a trip to A&E that nobody wants.
Urban dictionary of the week
Word: Lookman (verb)
Definition: To display brazen, misguided confidence at an inappropriate time
In a sentence: David had absolutely bottled his GCSE science exam by flunking the opening 39 questions out of 40. However, turning the final page, he knew the answer to the final two-marker, proceeding to flip over his desk, whip off his shirt and knee-slide up to an invigilator.
But to his horror, he'd completely Lookmaned as time was called before he could return to his desk and write the answer down.
Definition aside, though, chin up, Ademola. You're a top, top player and that's already been apparent on multiple occasions in a Fulham shirt this season.
A Panenka is one of those bold skills that we love to see in football - unique skills are part and parcel of what makes the sport so entertaining, after all - and it's only in hindsight that a tactic that so often works is seen as stupid.
TV Burp award
Most overdramatic retelling of a Sunday League game down the pub of the week
Oh yeh... did you also win WWE Hell in a Cell with your man-marking from corners and play on despite breaking both legs during a 50:50 challenge, Jurgen? You've got Jay from The Inbetweeners written all over you.
Ok, jokes aside, if you want to know why Klopp was actually talking about nose-breaks on the touchline for Liverpool, then you can find out here.
Another week goes by
And so ends a week where football has taken a step to the side amongst the shifting sands of the democratic world and hey, whatever your politics - Trump or Biden, left or right, in Britain or America - c'est la vie.
Sport has and always will be - within reason - a unifying force for all.
But if Trump was telling the truth about his grounding in high school football all those years ago, then he should at least have remembered one key lesson: be a good sportsman and above all else, a gracious loser.
Besides, Trump should know that, unless it’s a clear or obvious error, even VAR can’t save him.