Ah, it’s the one week of the year where everybody pretends they’re experts at golf, isn’t it?
That’s right, the Masters is to golf what the Grand National is to horse racing, where people other than chequered trouser-wielding, Ian Poulter-worshipping and ‘what is the percentage likelihood of precipitation today?’-pondering individuals dip their toe into the water hazard of golfing knowledge.
You know, the type to smirk across the pub table when asked why they’ve backed some random amateur champion for victory, only to reel off a wildly inaccurate statistic they saw @GolfGenius1234568 tweet the night before.
GIVEMESPORT: One for the Road
But to be honest, who can blame them? Perhaps men gripping and swinging their shafts while sweating down south for the sake of a green blazer is exactly what we all need amidst the 2020 madness.
Besides, Tiger Woods is entering the tournament as reigning champion, so we can all pretend that we’re back in the mid-2000s, there isn’t a raging pandemic outside and our love lives aren’t as dry, dusty and damning as the Augusta bunkers.
So, pull up a barstool, make yourself comfortable and imagine for a few minutes that the world isn’t as horrendously terrifying as it actually is by pouring yourself ‘One for the Road’ here at GIVEMESPORT.
Trivia of the week
Can you name the four Masters champions since 2000 who posted a winning score better than or equal to -15? Answers at the bottom of the newsletter.
Rahm walks on water
Nothing gets the golfing world weak at the knees quite like tradition, no matter how quirky, so just don’t bat an eyelid when we say it’s customary for players to try skimming their tee shots across the pond on hole 16.
The mission? Get your ball as close to the hole as possible, but John Rahm clearly thought that was for doughnut-chewing crazy golf players at the seaside, so went one step further by sinking a remarkable hole-in-one.
Hardest par 3 in the world
We’ve all been on a golf course and dropped an absolute clanger that makes us want to launch the club, bag, buggy and caddy off a cliff, grab the bleach, bury the bod— uhum, sorry, ignore the last bit.
I could make a modern art exhibition with how many clubs I’ve wrapped around trees in my time. I was planning on naming it ‘wood on wood’, but strangely the adult entertainment world had beaten me to that one.
Nevertheless, the cliff-golf combination you’ve been waiting for is indeed available in South Africa with a dastardly par 3 that’s so tough only 14 people have ever bagged a birdie and you need a helicopter to access the tee box. Take a look.
Keeping your balls straight
What do my golf skills and the follow-up TV programme to the Great British Bake Off have in common? Extra slice. I’m here all week, honestly, bookings at kobeisbloodyhilarious@BS.com.
After years of giving anyone stood to my right-hand side concussions, the prospect of a golf ball that only flies straight is exactly what I need and frankly, would do wonders for my local head trauma ward.
Sadly, the absolute party-poopers at the PGA have banned them from elite competition, but that doesn’t stop you from making a mockery of 66-year-old Barry at your local club with the secret weapon in tow. Check out the proof here.
Over to the football
If you’re golfed out by everything that’s going on at the Masters right now, fear not, I see you football fans, I see you. One for the Road is here to pour you the lager froth of football content you never knew you needed.
You may have clicked on this newsletter as an intelligent person, but you’re not leaving it as one and by that I mean your IQ will probably take a similar trajectory to Derby County’s Premier League journey in 2007/08.
Accidental football punditry
Water is wet, grass is green, Arsenal were absolute trash against Aston Villa and clearly, the dire nature of their performance wasn’t lost on Craig Revel Horwood as he went completely off-script on Strictly Come Dancing.
To be fair, I’d also be inclined to think Bill Bailey strutting about in lycra is both more attractive to watch and demonstrative of better footwork than the Gunners on Monday…
Lonely hearts column
Underloved single desperate to impress and looking to be loved the way he was two years ago. Likely to rock up at the first date with half the local florists, nervously text his mate Mason in the toilets and get a twitchy eye if ever you mention 1996.
Will bless you with the best god damn spooning of your life; send you long, romantic paragraphs that give you a passion you hadn’t experienced since the 1990s and make you think he’s the one, you still turn me on, footba- uhum, ermmm…
Must have a fetish for three-piece suits. Cannot be called Jack.
Letter: Hi Kobe, my name is Jurgen. I’ve got a little bit of a problem at the moment. All my mates seem to be dropping like flies with injuries. I’ve lost half my defence and I don’t know when it’s going to stop.
Reply: Hi Jurgen, thanks for writing in. It’s almost as though we’re coming off the back of a non-existent pre-season in the middle of a deadly pandemic, which can only mean one thing: let’s rinse footballers within an inch of their lives for our pleasure.
Get with the programme, Jurgen, we need to confine these gazillionaires to months and months of misery, unable to do the thing they love at the expense of their physical and mental health because mooooooooney. Money, money, money.
Come on, Jurgs, can’t you see the dollar signs? Think of all the big wigs who will be getting the champagne money off of this – think of the broadcasters, think of the sponsors, think of the oligarchs!
We all know suffering and jeopardising the beautiful game is worth it for superyachts, caviar and pay-per-view models for Burnley and Brighton drawing 0-0.
Let’s potentially put their mental health and quality of life through the wringer because God forbid there were only two fixtures in the international break and Jesus, the world would end if the Carabao Cup took a one-year break.
*Proceeds to cross his fingers in the hope people realise the gargantuan, whopping, continentally-sized sarcasm. Surely, right? Somebody slacken the footy schedule, it’s getting Medieval*
Football TV schedule
Saturday November 14
Man Utd Women v Man City Women (BT Sport 1)
Portugal v France (Sky Sports Football)
Sunday November 15
Slovakia v Scotland (Sky Sports Football)
Arsenal Women v Chelsea Women (BT Sport 1)
Wales v Republic of Ireland (Sky Sports Football)
Austria v Northern Ireland (Sky Sports Football)
Belgium v England (Sky Sports Main Event)
Tuesday November 17
Spain v Germany (Sky Sports Football)
Wednesday November 18
England v Iceland (Sky Sports Main Event)
Israel v Scotland (Sky Sports Football)
Northern Ireland v Romania (Sky Sports Mix)
Republic of Ireland v Bulgaria (Sky Sports Arena)
Wales v Finland (Sky Sports Premier League)
Top of the stops: Premier League
=1. Rui Patricio (Wolverhampton Wanderers) – 4 clean sheets
=1. Emiliano Martinez (Aston Villa) – 4
=1. Alex McCarthy (Southampton) – 4
=3. Lukasz Fabianski (West Ham United) – 3
=3. Edouard Mendy (Chelsea) – 3
=3. Kasper Schmeichel (Leicester City) – 3
Top of the shots: Premier League
=1. Son Heung-min (Tottenham Hotspur) – 8 goals
=1. Jamie Vardy (Leicester City) – 8
=1. Mohamed Salah (Liverpool) – 8
=1. Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton) – 8
=5. Harry Kane (Tottenham Hotspur) – 7
=5. Patrick Bamford (Leeds United) – 7
=7. Ollie Watkins (Aston Villa) – 6
=7. Callum Wilson (Newcastle United) – 6
Can you name the four Masters champions since 2000 who posted a winning score better than or equal to -15?
1. Tiger Woods (2001): -16
2. Phil Mickelson (2010): -16
3. Jordan Spieth (2015): -18
4. Patrick Reed (2018): -15
Well done, ladies and gentlemen, you’ve made it to the end. I sincerely hope some of those brain cells are still twitching away in case we’ve bludgeoned you too hard with the sand wedge of golfing stereotypes.
Lockdown is making life tough for everyone at the moment, but at least we have sport to help us through and the return of an iconic tournament like the Masters is the perfect way to raise morale that extra 1%.
But if there is one thing we want beaten black and blue with a golf club more than the tee shots at Augusta, it’s the absolute son of a gun that is 2020. Besides, the Masters just isn’t the same without an American screaming ‘CHEESE ON TOAST’ after every shot…
- Ryan Christie’s emotional interview for Scotland
- Ronaldo becomes 4th highest goalscorer ever
- Who are the favourites to win the 2020 Masters?