Rumour has it that OAP stands for 'Old Americans Punching' after Mike Tyson vs Roy Jones Jr at the weekend.

And no, I'm not on about elderly singles across the pond pulling people way out of their league, rather that the weekend's boxing match between former world champions made me think my computer was buffering.

I'm not even sure that Jones Jr has finished punching. Sources have told GIVEMESPORT that by the time one of his jabs had fully extended, the stadium was empty and they were setting up for a concert by Taylor Swift-- 's great-great-granddaughter.

Tyson vs Jones Jr

And by the time moss and the second-coming of the dinosaurs had grown on Tyson's right arm, the exhibition match was judged as a draw, which was about as surprising as the Earth turning and the sun rising.

Then again, if it means that these bus-pass users aren't seduced into a rematch, I'm all for it, but I have my doubts when the PPV numbers probably had everyone in US sports broadcasting making love to their wallet.

The next thing you know, you'll be watching Pele, 80, get two-footed by Franz Beckenbauer, 75, at a glacial pace and John McEnroe completing one game of tennis in the time it takes Antarctica to melt. 

One for the Road

Actually, on second thoughts, it'd probably only be one rally at the rate our planet's going. The poor bloke will be six feet underwater by the time he's halfway through declaring: 'you cannot be serious.'

Aaaaand just like that, I'm out of slow jokes, it's probably for the best, but the moral of the story here is that Tyson vs Jones Jr was about ten million times better for the BT Sport bank account than the health of my retina.

So, join me by drinking away the sorrows of that boxing circus and the staggering, stumbling Frankenstein's monster that is 2020 by pouring yourself 'One for the Road' here at GIVEMESPORT:

Trivia of the week

Can you name the five boxers that Mike Tyson lost to during his professional career? Answers at the bottom of the newsletter.

Mike Tyson smokes joint before fight

Of course he did. The headline might as well read 'postman delivers post' because we are, after all, talking about a man who puts a whole new meaning into 'doing the weeds' by having an entire marijuana farm to himself.

It's astonishing, really, because you'd think that wrestling with a tiger and talking to your pet pigeons would be something that came after having acres and acres of hallucinogenics in your back garden as opposed to before.

I couldn't be dealing with it, personally. You'd go out to plant the pansies, only to come dashing back into your kitchen in a panic because a dragon dropkicked you round the back of the fairy castle.

But it clearly works for Tyson, who is such a badass that he dropped the quote 'I smoke during fights', which is a bit like that postman batting away dogs while downing champagne. Check out Iron Mike's full quotes here.

Dear Kobe

Letter: Hey Kobe. My name is Ole. I've been getting an absolute pasting on Twitter because the football team I coach lost this week despite two of my players completely letting me down.

Response: Hey Ole, hi. I'm sorry mate, you've got to get with the programme. Do you know why Fred headbutted Leandro Paredes and Anthony Martial missed all those chances? Because of you.

Yes, you, Mr Solskjaer. When Fred was winding up his neck like the legs of Road Runner to play Russian Roulette with VAR it was because of your strict instructions to turn the game into an MMA match.

That's right, sources close to nobody heard you declaring 'nut the f***er' from the technical area, before sprinting down the touchline Jose Mourinho-style and kissing a wallet photo fo Zinedine Zidane because he obliged.

Besides, we all know the PSG players are world-class at staying on their feet, so it really takes a swing of the old forehead and a shin full of studs to make them go barrel-rolling between postcodes like a video game glitch.

And while Neymar was auditioning for 'The Greatest Dancer', Martial would have absolutely buried that chance in the penalty area at 1-1 if it wasn't for your formation and personality making him lean back too much.

My advice would be to miraculously transform into Mauricio Pochettino. Then all your Twitter abuse problems will go away, Fred will tackle cleanly every time and Martial will score every single shot.

Oh, and give up that side-gig as a PE teacher. I've seen enough tweets to know for an absolute, unequivocal fact that you've been dishing out bibs and cones to GCSE kids on the sly...

Craziest MMA ever fight

If you think the whole 'only in Russia' rhetoric is lazy stereotyping, then may I kindly direct you to Exhibit A: an MMA bout between a professional female fighter and a male blogger who is almost 400 pounds heavier.

It has all the making of the dodgiest internet search in history with Grigory Chistyakov (529lb) literally rolling into the octagon, before having the s*** beaten out of him worse than his last curry night. 

But credit to Darina Madzyuk (139lb) who quite literally proved that both being a bloke and nearly 200 kilograms heavier doesn't magically make you better than a trained female martial-artist.

Perhaps that will help Barry, 73, from the Facebook comment section from thinking he could beat Serena Williams with a racket tied to his arse. Ahum, anyhow, be sure to check out the full 'freak show' fight here.

Dear Kobe

Letter: Hello Kobe. My name is Daniel. I've come under fire for my defeat in a boxing match at the weekend where I took a knee because I'd suffered a devastating eye injury. Should I have fought on?

Response: Who needs eyes? Honestly, those white balls of absolute redundancy sat in my skull are a whopping pain in the arse for which I have no time at all. They're the worst thing to happen to faces since Rod Stewart left. 

It's not as though I need them to write this article, see my loved ones, enjoy a beautiful winter's day, make a cup of tea, write my Christmas cards, watch a movie, see the sunrise... ah s***.

Yeh, look, I'm going to throw the sarcasm act out of the window for one second because I think claims that Daniel Dubois should have fought on when his left eye looked like a grapefruit are absolutely nonsensical.

To the armchair fans who are pedaling the 'quitter' claims, I think it's a very dangerous line to walk with no knowledge of what it's like to be clobbered in the face by a heavyweight boxer.

And yes, plenty of pros themselves have been criticising Dubois too, but as much as I respect fighters who push until the end, you're nothing without your health and 2020 should have told us that more than any other year.

We don't know the minutia of Dubois' injury just yet, but if there was any threat at all that my eyesight would either be lost or cost me my career, then I'd hit the canvas quicker than a p***ed off painter. 

Aside from that, credit to Joe Joyce for an impressive victory and his absolute cattle prod of a jab, while I send all my best wishes for Dubois in his comeback - I'll know you'll return better than ever.

Adama Traore called a 'brick s***house'

All great romance novels culminate with one lover turning to the other and whispering in their ear the three words that any human wants to hear: 'you brick s***house'. My, my, it makes you all flustered, doesn't it?

I regularly look at myself in the hope that one day, I can sculpt my physique into the hard clay and concrete of buildings where people squeeze fecal matter out the vilest of human orifices. 

Well, at least, that's how I interpreted Rob Holding bestowing upon Traore that most beautiful of monikers during Arsenal's defeat to Wolves, duly cementing their place in the anals - annuls, I meant annuls, of romance history.

I have no doubt at all that the clip went viral thanks to an unbridled joy for this Anglo-Spanish love story as opposed to the Gunners defender being a wind-up merchant. Either way, you can decide by watching the footage here.

Football TV schedule

Friday December 4

Barnsley v AFC Bournemouth (Sky Sports Football)

Saturday December 5

Burnley v Everton (BT Sport 1)

Manchester City v Fulham (BT Sport 1)

Bayern Munich v RB Leipzig (BT Sport 1)

West Ham United v Manchester United (Sky Sports Main Event)

Chelsea v Leeds United (Sky Sports Main Event)

Sunday December 6

West Bromwich Albion v Crystal Palace (Sky Sports Main Event)

Chelsea Women v West Ham United Women (BBC Red Button)

Sheffield United v Leicester City (Sky Sports Main Event)

Everton Women v Manchester City Women (BT Sport 2)

Tottenham Hotspur v Arsenal (Sky Sports Main Event)

Liverpool v Wolverhampton Wanderers (Amazon Prime Video)

Monday December 7

Brighton & Hove Albion v Southampton (Sky Sports Main Event)

Tuesday December 8

Barcelona v Juventus (BT Sport ESPN)

Chelsea v FC Krasnodar (BT Sport 3)

RB Leipzig v Manchester United (BT Sport 2)

Wednesday December 9

FC Midtjylland v Liverpool (BT Sport 2)

Manchester City v Marseille (BT Sport 2)

Real Madrid v Borussia Mönchengladbach (BT Sport 3)

Thursday December 10

Dundalk v Arsenal (BT Sport 2)

Leicester City v AEK Athens (BT Sport 1)

Tottenham Hotspur v Antwerp (BT Sport 2)

Top of the stops: Premier League

1. Edouard Mendy (Chelsea) - 5 clean sheets

=2. Rui Patricio (Wolverhampton Wanderers) - 4 

=2. Emiliano Martinez (Aston Villa) - 4

=2. Alex McCarthy (Southampton) - 4

=2. Lukasz Fabianski (West Ham United) - 4

=2. Hugo Lloris (Tottenham Hotspur) - 4

=2. Illan Meslier (Leeds United) - 4

Top of the shots: Premier League

1. Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton) - 10 goals

2. Son Heung-min (Tottenham Hotspur) - 9

=3. Mohamed Salah (Liverpool) - 8

=3. Jamie Vardy (Leicester City) - 8

=5. Patrick Bamford (Leeds United) - 7

=5. Harry Kane (Tottenham Hotspur) - 7

=5. Bruno Fernandes (Manchester United) - 7

=5. Callum Wilson (Newcastle United) - 7

Trivia answers

Can you name the five boxers that Mike Tyson lost to during his professional career?

1. Buster Douglas - KO (1990)

2. Evander Holyfield - TKO & DQ (1996 and 1997)

3. Lennox Lewis - KO (2002)

4. Danny Williams - KO (2004)

5. Kevin McBride - RTD (2005)

Last orders

Psssst, hey, reader who made it to the end, do you know anyone who can get me a decent deal on personal security? I've whacked Tyson with so much sarcasm these past few weeks that there's probably a $1 million bounty on my jaw.

Let's just say that if I get nailed with a hook over the next few days it better be down to an accident in the angling section of B&Q.

Then again, I'm not sure 'Iron Mike' will feel too threatened by a bloke who's been spending the past few hours writing an alarming amount about bowel movements.

Which, now that I've said it, is yet another thing faster than Tyson's punches on Satur-- ok, ok, ok, I'm done, I'm done - see you next week. I'm off to hide under my duvet and unplug the electrics.