'Who the bloody hell is Kubrat Pulev?'

Yes, that's right, close your curtains, hide your children and call the police because I've bugged every house up and down the United Kingdom to establish that it's exactly what every man and his dog has been asking this week.

There will be more than a few sports fans claiming to be bonafide experts on the Bulgarian boxing scene halfway through a Carling on a Zoom call 'with the lads' this Saturday having scanned Pulev's Wikipedia page for approximately never.

Joshua vs Pulev

But hey, I'll let you all off, because boxing has more alphabet-filled titles than the Queen dishes out each New Year - yes, I'm looking at you General Colonel Sir Joe Blogs CEO OBE BS WTF WUU2.

In this instance, Pulev is lining up against Anthony Joshua as the mandatory challenger for the IBF title, which, as far as acronyms go, wanders somewhere between sounding like indigestion problems and a sexually transmitted disease.

So by the time AJ is declared as the 'WBO, WBA, IBO and IBF world champion', Channel 4 will have him on speed dial to see if he'll be making an appearance on '24 Hours in A&E'.

One for the Road

But if it means that Joshua vs Tyson Fury is that extra 0.00001% more likely to happen - we can but hope, ladies and gentlemen - then Eddie Hearn can have my wallet quicker than you can say: 'Oh, go on then.'

On that note, while I'm off to remortgage my cardboard box, you can get yourself hyped for the huge heavyweight fight in question and another week of sporting action by pouring yourself 'One for the Road' here at GIVEMESPORT.

It has that name for a reason, too, you know. Besides, which of these happens after you have an extra pint: you stagger and stumble about wishing you hadn't bothered or you become thoroughly informed on Queensbury rules? My thoughts exactly.

Trivia of the week

Can you name Anthony Joshua's three mandatory-challenger opponents in his world heavyweight championship career? Answers at the bottom of the newsletter.

Tyson Fury backs Pulev for victory

Let's face it, although Pulev is undoubtedly a world-class heavyweight, Saturday's fight is merely the supermarket own brand to the M&S finest - complete with saucy narration - that we really want to see: Joshua vs Fury.

I don't think we'll be alone in hoping that AJ isn't stapled to the canvas like he was against Andy Ruiz the first time around and sets up the mega-event that Britain frankly needs for its sanity right now.

Oh, that and the fact Pulev had to go on a sexual harassment course last year and claimed that the only thing about Joshua that's superior to him is his 'tan'. Yeh, some things are just begging to be knocked out of the sport...

But spoiler alert: that's not necessarily how the 'Gypsy King' sees the fight going because Pulev's unofficial mistress, otherwise known as Bob Arum, has revealed Fury's thoughts on the bout - check them out here.

Dear Kobe

Letter: Hello Kobe. My name is Floyd. I've essentially won the lottery by signing a gargantuan pay-per-view deal to fight some YouTuber. I'm pretty sure I'm the luckiest man alive.

Response: Ah, Floyd. Nobody raises a middle finger to the world of materialism quite like you. We all know nothing enriches the human experience quite like coming home to a table full of diamond-encrusted watches.

I'd feel far more loved in my own life if I could spoon wads of cash in bed, whisper the L-bomb between the handles of a Louis Vuitton handbag and snog the living daylights out of a Gucci slipper. If only, if only...

So, Floyd, I can see exactly why you'd want a little bit more of that for yourself because what's a few hundred-million dollars these days? It's barely enough to buy Neymar's wisdom tooth - am I right? 

And to be fair to you, I don't know how you manage to persuade the world that increasingly-inept boxers - even that word is a little strong in this instance - actually have a chance of beating one of the greatest fighters ever.

First, a UFC champion, then a kick-boxer, now a bloke who lost to another YouTuber, what next - could the 'Honey Monster' make welterweight? Does Dame Judy Dench think she's got a mean left hook?

Either way, Floyd, you've got my vote as the GOAT - greatest of all tryhards - because if you were trying any harder to be hip you could probably replace my nan's.

Ah, who am I kidding? It's basically free money. I might start a YouTube channel and chat enough s*** to get myself a fight with Mayweather. Then again, these last few paragraphs have probably achieved that...

'Most disrespectful goal ever'

Getting booked for scoring might sound like the business plan of Love Island contestants, but it was also a bizarre reality for Stuttgart's Silas Wamangituka when he produced one of the biggest moments of s***housery we've ever seen.

In the time it took the Bundesliga forward to round the goalkeeper and put the ball in the net, Bayern had already retained the title for the gazillionth time and I was collecting my state pension at the post office.

Wamangituka later explained that he wasn't trying to be disrespectful and was merely time-wasting, which hardly reassured me now that I'm 78 years old and dying in a pile of Fox's glacier mints.

But at least his first-rate impression of children d***ing about at the park was punished with a yellow card, even if karma was sleeping at the wheel and allowed it to stand as the winning goal - watch the full incident here.

Dear Kobe

Letter: Hi Kobe. My name is Lionel. I'm writing in because I'm sick and tired of being compared to some bloke called Cristiano every 10 seconds - what should I do about it?

Response: Hey Lionel. Bear with me one minute as I just get my calculator and work out how many non-penalty goals you've scored away from home against teams in the bottom half of La Liga during the Trump administration.

Woof... geez... no wonder you're tired, Lionel, those numbers don't look good compared to the Portuguese bloke, I think we're going to have to run some further data analyses, university studies and a FIFA 21 simulation for good measure.

Speaking of which, let's face it, Cristiano would absolutely batter you in a Scrabble competition and if you think for one minute that you'd do a better cut and colour than him in a hair salon then I'm Georgina Rodriguez.

You, Mess man, have made the classic mistake of playing in the internet era where everybody can't help comparing themselves across everything from abs, bums, holidays and of course, the footballer in their cover photo.

Can't you understand that appreciating more than one footballer is physically impossible!? I once tweeted that we should adore both yourself and Crissy equally and two days later, I was having treatment for hemorrhoids.

I've seen enough tweets to know with 100% scientific accuracy that Eibar and Osasuna are on your payroll, you were actually christened 'Pessi' and you've cried more times on the pitch than I have watching Up.

So, I'm sorry mate, I can't help you with this one, but you have got me thinking. I'm off for a walk now to see whether I should admire the sun or trees more - I wonder which would do it best on a cold, windy night in Stoke!?

Lukaku costs Inter qualification

Truth be told, the most that Inter do in Europe these days is inspire FIFA 21 players to model their team names on having sexual intercourse with grandmothers - if you, you know... the FIFA bit, that is, not the grandmas.

But their Champions League elimination this week was made all the more painful by a committee of flogged Manchester United players taking place at the worst possible moment against Shakhtar Donetsk.

Alexis Sanchez's goalbound header was agonisingly blocked by Romelu Lukaku, complete with a facial expression you could plaster on a horror movie DVD cover, with the ball pinging off his head in an offside position.

It confirmed that Lukaku really needs to invest in four-leaf clovers, rabbit's feet and feline ornaments from Asia because he's officially football's unluckiest player. Take a look at his latest moment of misfortune here.

Football TV schedule

Friday December 11

Leeds United v West Ham United (Sky Sports Main Event)

Saturday December 12

Wolverhampton Wanderers v Aston Villa (BT Sport 1)

Newcastle United v West Bromwich Albion (Sky Sports Main Event)

Manchester United v Manchester City (Sky Sports Main Event)

Real Madrid v Atlético Madrid (LaLigaTV)

Everton v Chelsea (BT Sport 1)

Sunday December 13

Southampton v Sheffield United (Sky Sports Main Event)

Crystal Palace v Tottenham Hotspur (Sky Sports Main Event)

Manchester City Women v Arsenal Women (BT Sport 1)

Fulham v Liverpool (Sky Sports Main Event)

Arsenal v Burnley (Sky Sports Main Event)

Leicester City v Brighton & Hove Albion (Amazon Prime Video)

Tuesday December 15

Wolverhampton Wanderers v Chelsea (Amazon Prime Video)

Manchester City v West Brom (Amazon Prime Video)

Wednesday December 16

Arsenal v Southampton (Amazon Prime Video)

Leeds United v Newcastle United (Amazon Prime Video)

Leicester City v Everton (Amazon Prime Video)

Fulham v Brighton & Hove Albion (Amazon Prime Video)

Liverpool v Tottenham Hotspur (Amazon Prime Video)

West Ham United v Crystal Palace (Amazon Prime Video)

Thursday December 17

Aston Villa v Burnley (Amazon Prime Video)

Sheffield United v Manchester United (Amazon Prime Video)

Top of the stops: Premier League

=1. Hugo Lloris (Tottenham Hotspur) - 5 clean sheets

=1. Edouard Mendy (Chelsea) - 5 

=3. Rui Patricio (Wolverhampton Wanderers) - 4

=3. Emiliano Martinez (Aston Villa) - 4

=3. Alex McCarthy (Southampton) - 4

=3. Lukasz Fabianski (West Ham United) - 4

=3. Ederson (Manchester City) - 4

=3. Illan Meslier (Leeds United) - 4

Top of the shots: Premier League

1. Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton) - 11 goals

2. Son Heung-min (Tottenham Hotspur) - 10

=3. Mohamed Salah (Liverpool) - 9

=3. Jamie Vardy (Leicester City) - 9

=5. Patrick Bamford (Leeds United) - 8

=5. Harry Kane (Tottenham Hotspur) - 8

=7. Bruno Fernandes (Manchester United) - 7

=7. Callum Wilson (Newcastle United) - 7

=7. Wilfried Zaha (Crystal Palace) - 7

Trivia answers

Can you name Anthony Joshua's three mandatory-challenger opponents in his world heavyweight championship career?

1. Carlos Takam (2017)

2. Alexander Povetkin (2018)

3. Kubrat Pulev (2020)

Last orders

Ah, thanks for joining the drib-drab of readers that have managed to haul themselves through another 'One for the Road' and like any one-beer-too-many, you can expect a whopping hangover to come your way tomorrow.

But hey, at least you can nurse your sorrows by watching Joshua flatten Pulev in what would frankly be an uncanny metaphor of what 2020 has been doing to all of our lives for the last 12 months.

And even if Pulev upsets the applecart as part of boxing's latest exploit to ensure that the biggest fights never get made, then Christmas will be less than two weeks away - what's not to love?

If nothing else, celebrate the fact that while you lot are knee-deep into a roast turkey and reading out cracker jokes funnier than this article, I'll be running for the hills as Mayweather's lawyers hunt me down.

Speaking of which... has anyone got a fake moustache and a stolen Astra? Anyone? Anyone???