Merry Christmas, GIVEMESPORT readers and football fans of the world.
The Premier League and the festive period go hand in hand like turkey and stuffing, mince pies and cream, Christmas trees and baubles as well as Jurgen Klopp and moaning about fixture schedules.
Something just wouldn’t be right if when you crawled through all the wrapping paper, wine glasses and sleeping children to sit on your sofa, top-level football wasn’t gracing your television screen.
Football and Christmas
We’re sure the footballers of this world will be rushing around to unwrap their presents and smash open their crackers quicker than a baby-oiled Adama Traore before splintering across the country for Boxing Day.
But from the perspective of a football fan, it’s bloody marvellous because it means we can watch live Premier League games as we nurse a hangover bigger than the turkey we motored through at light speed.
And anyhow, we need all the joy we can scavenge this Christmas because, sadly, so many people around the country are going to be unable to visit the loved ones they cherish seeing this time of year.
A tough Christmas
It’s the latest horrid escapade from the absolute rotten apple that is 2020 and a horrible situation that means each and every smile will be one to treasure this year.
Little old us wouldn’t deign to pretend that we have any solutions for these most crushing of blows, but we do at least hope that we can sprinkle a chuckle or two extra into your stocking on the big day.
So, welcome to the nerve-wracking grasps of the deranged writer that brought you such literary masterpieces as ‘Ranking every Premier League manager by how good they’d be on a night out’.
And now freshly armed with a fifth mulled wine and sixth mince pie, you can rest assured that I’m plummetting further into madness as I compare all 20 Premier League clubs to a Christmas present.
Premier League clubs as Xmas presents
A deadly serious topic, I know, so be sure not to take the comparisons too seriously as I scandalously lean on the whopping stereotypes and misconceptions associated with the clubs as opposed to their loveable, distinguishing traits.
Am I scraping the bottom of the barrel? Most likely, but I promise that whatever was in said barrel was at the very least palatable, so strap yourselves in and check out my selections down below:
Arsenal – FIFA 21
Still attracts a massive, loyal following despite getting worse every year and being hated by everyone who isn’t a diehard fan. People go viral for losing their temper with it.
Aston Villa – Casio watch
An absolute classic that isn’t as fashionable or successful these days, but will always be in circulation as a sturdy option. A loyal following, albeit mainly from dads.
Brighton & Hove Albion – puppy
Fun to watch for a day or two, before the hard realities of supporting them eventually sets in. Makes you wonder whether the sleepless nights are worth it for the few joyful moments each year.
Burnley – pyjamas
You know what you’re getting here. Boring, basic and good if you want to go to sleep. Keep passing by every year, although you don’t really mind as much as you’d care to admit.
Chelsea – Amazon Alexa
Sored in popularity and sales because of a mega-money entity behind it and owing to a name that sounds Russia. Loveable, despite the big price tags and often being managed by several people in quick succession.
Crystal Palace – Quality Street
A box of chocolates: you never know what you gon’ get. Always there, whether you like it or not, with a passionate following and one particular member that is higher in quality than the rest.
Everton – Lynx Africa
Things just wouldn’t feel the same without them. They’re part of the furniture and here every year. There’s something loveable about them, even though you know they’re never a top-tier gift.
Fulham – scented candle
While admittedly endearing, they’re ultimately pretty rubbish and unsurprising when they pop up. Nice in small doses, but sure to burn out by the end of the season.
Leeds United – vinyl
An absolute classic that’s rising up the ranks again. You know they’ll have their ups and downs, but people will always have fond memories of them and they’re a particular hit with the hipsters.
Leicester City – bath bomb
Unassuming to look at, but explosive when they get going. Grown in popularity over the last five years and go from one to one hundred in an instant, even when they’re in hot water.
Liverpool – PlayStation 5
The best in the business that everyone is after. They’ve always been loved, but this latest generation is causing a storm after a long-term project building up to record-breaking numbers.
Manchester United – Xbox Series X
Similarly classic, though nowhere near as successful as their direct rivals these days. Becoming increasingly inconsistent and often obsessed with previous models that performed better back in the day.
Manchester City – Amazon gift voucher
Here comes the money. Allows you to buy anything you darn please and get it delivered the next day. World-class facilities, but rumoured to be a little soulless. Run by a bald bloke.
Newcastle United – Sport Direct mug
Mike Ashley – need I say more?
Sheffield United – lump of coal
Distinctly Yorkshire, but on the naughty list and at rock bottom of the stocking. Burns bright at first, before eventually losing steam when the heat really gets turned on.
Southampton – beer making kit
The connoisseur’s choice. A hit with the fanatics and exciting at first with plenty of skill involved, just a little boring in the long run and very much reliant on the end product.
Tottenham Hotspur – Pandora charm
Attracts massive queues of lads outside flashy facilities typified by white design choices, even though the product is pretty cliché; lets down those getting it and lacks the top-level silverware.
West Bromwich Albion – yoyo
Up and down like there’s no tomorrow, but a true classic that, albeit old-fashioned, will never completely disappear and will always remain charming for doing what it says on the tin.
West Ham United – socks
Pretty underwhelming, but they’re always there or thereabouts and at the end of the day, things wouldn’t feel right without them. Rarely top drawer, literally.
Wolverhampton Wanderers – Nando’s voucher
Portuguese flair that everybody loves. Seldom does a weekend go by when you don’t fancy it, even if there’s plenty of money involved and ultimately very samey.
Every club is special
Ah, you’ve made it. Who knew it could be possible to have more fingers than brain cells, am I right?
Now, I am, of course, completely fooling around and all 20 clubs make the Premier League special, even if my wild, sweeping stereotypes and the absolute lunacy of ‘Project Big Picture’ would have you think otherwise.
But anyhow, I hope the bearded bloke from the North Pole gave you what you were after this year and that hopefully, sooner rather than later, we get to see the loved ones we hope Santa could bring in his sack.
From everyone here at GIVEMESPORT, have a very merry Christmas and to anyone for whom that simply won’t be possible, we send our thoughts out to you. Let’s hope 2021 won’t be so horrible.