It’s awards season, ladies and gentlemen, grab your tuxedos, ball gowns and any sinew of patience you can muster.
Along with the Oscars, Tonies, Emilies, Grannies, Golden Showers and more, the GIVEMESPORT Awards is strutting down the red carpet with a cheeky leg slit to get those tabloids and paparazzi cameras weak at the knees.
We’re not one of those humble, shy and kind-hearted nominees who blush in front of the lens, but the type of explosively-confident superstar with more pouting and posing than the front covers of the Angling Times.
Forget who’s going to win ‘Best Picture’, how many times Ricky Gervais goes viral and who’s sparkly frock will attract the most retweets; we’re all on tenterhooks to find out who’s poised to win the ‘Managerial Innuendo of the week’.
Besides, 50 years down the line, you won’t be telling your grandkids about the life-changing art direction of the latest Hollywood release, but that time Sam Allardyce vaguely, tenuously sounded like he was discussing sexual intercourse.
Somewhere, somehow, Leonardo DiCaprio will be chewing his fingernails to greater depths than the Titanic as Pep Guardiola and Jose Mourinho slug it out for the week’s most suggestive comment. We’re all with you, Leo, we’re all with you.
So, straighten that bowtie or tiara, crack open the champagne and prepare yourself for the ceremony that the Hollywood hotshots are really losing sleep about as the GMS Awards drunkenly staggers into its 19th edition.
You’ll just have to bear with me as I spam the HR department for 24 karat gold statuettes of myself…
Goal of the week
Elisha Sam vs Oxford City
To say it’s been a stunning week for goals would be the mother of all understatements because Olivier Giroud and Dele Alli’s bicycle kicks, as well as Nathan Ferguson’s 40-yard screamer, could easily have taken the crown.
But Notts County’s Sam raised the standard into the stratosphere with an astonishing scorpion kick in the FA Trophy, which will surely compete for the Puskas Award having caught the eye of FIFA themselves.
Player of the week
An absolute Adonis in the Bayern midfield, Goretzka reiterated his status as one of the most underrated players in the world with no less than four assists during the wins over Lazio and FC Koln.
The latter saw Goretzka crowned as Man of the Match for laying on a hat-trick of goals and tipped the balance in his favour during a week where Lionel Messi, Diego Godin and Gareth Bale were also sniffing around this award.
Manager of the week
The nerves of Arsenal fans have been through a meatgrinder over the last few days, but they’ve come out of the other side laughing and we couldn’t help rewarding Arteta for masterminding two fantastic comebacks.
One, the Gunners kept their Europa League dreams alive with a dramatic fightback against Benfica and two, followed it up with a standout 3-1 victory at the home of Premier League title contenders Leicester City.
Game of the week
Plymouth Argyle 4-3 Lincoln City
Yes, we could have chosen RB Leipzig’s thrilling 3-2 win over Borussia Monchengladbach, but we’re instead channeling our inner hipster to dive headfirst into this seven-goal blockbuster from League One.
Having trailed 2-0 within 13 minutes, Lincoln did a fantastic job to lead 3-2 at Home Park with less than half an hour to play, but Joe Edwards’ brace, including a stoppage-time winner, saw the hosts pull off a stunning turnaround of their own.
Outrageous skill of the week
Mason Mount vs Atletico Madrid
Making a mockery of claims that he was Frank Lampard’s son from another mum, it feels like Mount is competing for this award on a weekly basis and his latest Champions League performance was truly one to remember.
And while Chelsea‘s star man was running circles around Atletico all night long, we’re not sure he turned on the style more than when he transformed into Messi for 10 seconds to fold two players like deckchairs.
Guatemalan footballer… and a rock???
If we were feeling Barry Basic, then we could have gone with Nathan Tella hitting the deck far too easily against Leeds United, but the antics of Batanecos FC’s Rosbin Ramos has elevated the ‘Fallon d’Floor’ to new heights.
That’s because Ramos outright cheated during a Guatemalan third-division clash by pretending that an object thrown onto the pitch had struck him by picking it up and hitting the deck with it in his hands. Madness.
Strangest punditry of the week
Ok, sure, Ibrahimovic might not be a pundit in the strictest of terms, but his bizarre jibe at LeBron James’ political activism was most certainly the type of tone-deaf analysis that often collects this gong.
“This is the first mistake famous people do when they become famous and come into a certain status,” Ibrahimovic mused. “For me it is better to avoid certain topics and do what you’re best at doing, because otherwise it doesn’t look good.”
Yeh… this wasn’t a good look for Zlatan, let’s face it, because not only has the Swede used his star status to dabble in non-sporting matters himself, but James mugged him off pretty convincingly with his response.
Disasterclass of the week
Now, we could easily have picked Brighton & Hove Albion missing two penalties from the exact same game but even days down the line, we’re still bewildered by their chalked-off goal at West Bromwich Albion.
Look, it’s a fact of life that people make mistakes and there’s no denying that Mason is a top referee, but when even Dermot Gallagher is saying that the official ‘lost focus’, the gravity of the error can’t be ignored.
Tweet of the week
From claiming to have never drunk tea or coffee to apparently having only watched ten films, Owen lives life by his own rules, whether that’s with questionable adverts or punditry that gets ripped to shreds by fans.
And the Liverpool legend’s latest trick went viral this week when he uploaded a video of himself falling off his bike after the slowest collision with a wall that you’re ever likely to see.
Craziest bet of the week
Swansea cost punter £101,000
Poor Twitter user @MarkyyLawton must have been absolutely raging when Swansea City slumped to a 3-1 defeat against Bristol City at the weekend as it saw them miss out on potentially life-changing money.
That’s because their stunning accumulator came within a nose hair of converting £80 into £110,000 when Barnsley, Bayern Munich, Reading and many more all came good before the Swans let the side down.
Sunday League award
Is there anything more Sunday League than unnecessarily smashing the ball into the net moments after a goal has been scored? I swear, if they actually counted, I’d have more goals than Pele.
And that’s exactly the trick that Lacazette pulled during Arsenal’s Europa League win over Benfica, smashing the ball within a whisker of a defender’s head having clearly imagined that he was playing for the Duck and Hound.
You know how certain popstars become resident performers in Las Vegas? Yeh, well, Suarez might as well be the resident performer for the ‘s***housery award’ because his Chelsea antics have earned him yet another plaque.
We could have given the Atletico hitman this award for his dark arts on Cesar Azpilicueta and Callum Hudson-Odoi alone, but it was his cheeky pinch on Antonio Rudiger that really took the biscuit.
Roy Keane award
Argument with Jamie Redknapp
If you haven’t seen Keane and Redknapp going toe-to-toe on Sky Sports yet, then you’re really missing out because the pundits’ debate about Tottenham made for some blockbuster television.
Truth be told, we think Redknapp won the verbal scrap by rebutting Keane’s lazy jibes about the quality of international football, but what we do know for sure is that the United legend was raging, so this award is beyond reproach.
Urban Dictionary of the week
Word: Diasstones (adjective)
Definition: Absolutely indomitable to the point of invincibility
In a sentence: I had an absolute nightmare dealing with a spider the other night because it was simply diasstones. Having discovered it in the bath, my attempts to collect it in a cup and mug failed dramatically, while even the back of my shoe, a garden spade and my aunt’s flamethrower didn’t even trouble it.
Managerial innuendo of the week
“They had one guy, we had three guys around the ball, and they end up breaking away from that pressure and they get a little bit of luck in the box, as it drops to him to finish.”
Sounds like Rodgers doesn’t just look for ‘great character’…
TV Burp award
The most unashamedly-public display of ‘Ultra Defensive’ on FIFA 21 of the week
Rumour has it that the Knight Bus from Harry Potter has been recommissioned as Diego Simeone’s tactical advisor judging by the size of whatever they parked against Chelsea.
Time for an emotional speech…?
Umm. I guess this is the point in awards ceremonies where there’s like, I don’t know, an emotional speech, Beyoncé dancing or Ellen DeGeneres making some bang average jokes – right?
But as much as I’m deadly certain that you all want to see me strutting my stuff in a leotard or desperately rummaging through Christmas crackers for terrible puns, we’re going to have to settle for the tear-jerking monologue.
“I’d like to thank my mother, father, Cristiano Ronaldo and Gunnersaurus for making these awards possible. I dreamt of picking the footballing moment of the week that would p*** off Roy Keane the most ever since I was 3 years old.
“To think that I’m sat on my arse here today, jabbing away at a beer-stained keyboard in an enclosure of Custard Cream crumbs really is a privilege – and I hope it inspires everyone out there to achieve —“
Oh, wait, what?