If being by the sea is seaside, going outdoors is outside and running past the last man is offside, then what do you call a fan of The Killers? Mr. Brightside.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is my absolutely abdominal welcome to my emporium of dad jokes, which is more formally known as the GMS Awards to you and my editor but hey, d̶o̶g̶s̶ cracker puns aren't just for Christmas.
And fear not, my opening gambit isn't without substance because this week saw The Killers' bombastic anthem set a new chart record by spending five whole years in the UK's top 100.
It's the Sunderland AFC of the music world, if you like. No matter how strong your love or hate, they just keep sticking around, popping up at 15:00 on Soccer Saturday just as the song does at 2am in every nightclub under the sun.
Forget earworm, it's an ear anaconda, slithering its way deep into the skulls of everyone with a pulse on the British isles since 2003 to the point that the lyrics are tattooed onto your mind.
Besides, even if you contained Brandon Flowers in ten thousand Fort Knoxs and gave him the key to escape each one of them, he still wouldn't have been coming out of his cage as much as he has in Mr. Brightside.
I tell you, if Harry Houdini had still been knocking about, he would have been hunting down Flowers like a boyfriend on February 13 - and to think, the gorgeous chap always breaks out doing just fine...
But before I lose my mind desperately working out how it ended like this - it was only a kiss??? - I better fulfill my contractual obligation of actually giving oxygen to what might have happened during the week of football.
A stunning plot twist for someone writing for GIVEMESPORT, I know, but here we are. Duty calls.
So, strap yourselves in; don't expect the Mr. Brightsiside of football journalism and check out our 16 weekly winners from Thomas Tuchel's questionable advice to Jurgen Klopp's sexy suggestiveness down below:
Goal of the week
Daniele Verde vs Lazio
There are bicycle kicks and then there are bicycle kicks, you feel me? Verde's wonder goal, for the record, is the latter because the laws of gravity simply didn't apply when the Spezia winger unleashed his acrobatic rocket.
And it was always going to take an inspired strike to bag this week's award when Yanik Frick was scoring corners, Besar Halimi was finding the net from 50 yards and Robert Skov was hitting dynamite volleys.
Player of the week
Seriously, it's about time we started talking about Moreno's astonishing 2021 because the Villarreal hitman has now scored 15 goals in 15 games since the turn of the year - and this week was symptomatic of his brilliance.
Having rounded off Spain duties with a goal against Kosovo, Moreno helped himself to a hat-trick during the 3-0 win over Granada and usurped Diogo Jota and Kevin De Bruyne for our prize in the process.
Manager of the week
A special shoutout to Sam Allardyce, Dainis Kazakevic and Christophe Galtier, who all secured impressive results, but how could he choose anyone other than the man behind North Macedonia's historic win in Germany?
Angelovski must have been pinching himself as his Euro 2020 underdogs consigned Die Mannschaft to their first World Cup qualifying defeat in two decades with Goran Pandev and Elif Elmas bagging the goals.
Game of the week
Napoli 4-3 Crotone
Napoli looked as though they were cruising when they led Crotone 3-1 at half-time this weekend, but goals from Simeon Nwankwo and Junior Messias dramatically leveled the scores before the hour mark.
However, the drama wasn't over there because Giovanni Di Lorenzo's clinical left-footed strike ensured that Gennaro Gattuso's men pulled three points out of the fire in one of the Serie A games of the season.
Outrageous skill of the week
Mohamed Salah vs Comoros
Sure, there might not be the rainbow flicks and roulettes that have populated this award in the past, but there could be no denying Salah's status as one of the world's best dribblers on Egypt duties this week.
Besides, when the Liverpool star wasn't helping himself to a brace against Comoros, he was folding their players like deckchairs with a stunning mazy run that did everything but produce an end product. If only.
Marc Cucurella vs Osasuna
If you're wondering why Neymar hasn't bagged this prize, then bear with us for a second, but even the Paris Saint-Germain star wouldn't have stooped to the depths of Getafe's Cucurella during a 0-0 draw in La Liga.
That's because the 22-year-old started rolling around on the pitch - clutching his leg as though he was seriously injured - in an embarrassing routine that ended with him smiling like it was all one big joke.
Strangest punditry of the week
Thomas Tuchel on Timo Werner
“I said ‘you don’t need that, your body, your brain knows how to score; you did it since you were five years old so don’t worry, it will come’. If a woman does not want to go out with you to dinner, you cannot force her."
I like the principal on paper, I won't lie, but am I completely immature for imagining a long queue of women forming outside of Tuchel's property because he actively took the decision to not bother with dating?
Ok, probably, but even if you've got your footballing brain screwed on, one can't help feeling that discouraging Werner - fresh from his shocking miss for Germany - from practicing his shooting is a little bizarre.
Disasterclass of the week
Neymar vs Lille
What's the worst thing you can do for your team when you're trailing 1-0 against your direct title rivals late on? Petutantly push an opponent while on a yellow card for a completely trivial incident, that's what.
And while, yes, Djalo more than contributed to the farcical scenes in Paris, Neymar hardly helped his case by restarting the beef down the tunnel with the sort of WWE-like drama that had stadium staff panicking.
Tweet of the week
Naturally, one of the biggest stories of the week was Manchester City's announcement that Sergio Aguero would be leaving this summer but believe it or not, the club legend wasn't always tipped for iconic status.
In fact, as Dundee's Adam amusingly reminded us all, revered sports writer Oliver Holt was amongst those who suggested that the Scot's move to Liverpool might actually top that of Aguero to City. Yeh, about that.
Craziest bet of the week
West Brom fan's heartbreak
As crazy as it might sound, not every Baggies fan was swinging from the light fittings when they won 5-2 at Stamford Bridge as Twitter user @_riccardofranco found themselves heartbreakingly close to a massive payday.
In fact, if Allardyce's men had concentrated harder on picking up yellow cards and winning corners than they did scoring goals, then one of their supporters might have been helped themselves to £2,255.
Sunday League award
Barnsley vs Reading
The new lockdown regulations in the UK means that Sunday League is back in business, but you'd be forgiven for thinking that Barnsley and Reading took that news a little seriously at Oakwell.
Besides, the absolute carnage of Yakou Méïté sneaking up on Barnsley goalkeeper Bradley Collins to present Lucas Joao with an open goal, which he duly missed, had the Mid-Lincs D League written all over it.
Max Power vs Oxford United
One for the s*️*️*️housery purists, this, because Power's decision to run fully 50 yards to celebrate in front of the Oxford bench after scoring for Sunderland was right out of the Luis Suarez playbook.
And although the Black Cats skipper hasn't explained the incident beyond vague accusations of something being said to him at half-time, there's no denying who - in Power's own words - got 'the last laugh'.
Roy Keane award
John Stones vs Poland
While it's worth saying that Stones' defensive error was massively out of character amidst his superb 2020/21 performances, this is Keane we're talking about here, so of course he was going to get pulverised regardless.
And as the United legend so eloquently put: "Stones is used to playing out from the back with Man City. Lack of concentration, Stones got bored. That’s why they gave away the goal. I wouldn’t blame the goalkeeper for that."
Urban Dictionary of the week
Word: Trent (verb)
Definition: Proving everybody wrong when, frankly, they shouldn't have been doubted in the first place
In a sentence: My mate Reginald gave everyone an absolute trenting at the weekend. Honestly, I don't know why everyone was surprised that a five-time Oscar winner delivered a stunning acting performance in his latest film. It's almost as though, I dare say, he was excellent all along...
Managerial innuendo of the week
"I'm not sure if there could have been another player in the position as well."
It only takes two to tango, Jurgen, so don't worry about a third. Everyone to themselves, mind.
TV Burp award
Most unexpectedly-football-related Queen tribute concert of the week
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide - nooooo escape from reality. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see... Salah making a great run behind the Arsenal back four.
Mr. Brightside is lodged into your head now, isn't it?
Welcome. You're part of the cult now. Join me and let's hold hands as we sing that sweet, sweet belter for another half-decade in the charts.
But don't worry, you can send your 'thank you' cards in the post because I'll be damned if there's a better tune with which to conclude pre-drinks and get you hyped for a night out that, erm, well, you still can't go on for another two months.
So, the more I think about it, the more Mr. Brightside feels like a tease when we're still clawing away at our windows behind closed doors, which, uncannily, is exactly how my girlfriend reacts to me playing it over and over again.
I guess it's just the price I pay.
Destiny is calling me.
Ah, s*️*️*️. She wants to break up.
Destiny is my girlfriend...News Now - Sport News