GIVEMESPORT Awards #28: Eden Hazard, N'Golo Kante and Sergio Aguero claim prizes

  • Kobe Tong
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Ipswich Town will officially be sponsored by some ginger bloke called Edward Sheehan next season. That's his name, isn't it? You might have heard of him.

I know that sounds like I don't care, but I couldn't be happier to sing the praises of the perfect photograph of the proposed design - it's honestly the one, but what do I know? I'm just thinking out loud.

All jokes aside, though, fair bloody play to Sheeran for making an absolute killing of the music scene and getting the opportunity to join a long line of musicians in sponsoring their local football team.

Music artists and football

From Fatboy Slim to The Libertines and Jake Bugg to Fontaines D.C, musicians certainly aren't adversed to making 11 sweaty men or women into walking billboards for their brand - and frankly, power to them.

It's just a shame Lincoln City keep rejecting my request to have 'I was once in the Year 7 choir, I guess?' plastered across their 2021/22 home kit. Can't fault a man for trying.

But of all the musicians to hop on the football trend, it's hard to look past the absolute carnage of Cardiff City swanning around with Super Furry Animals nailed to their shirt, even if Wet Wet Wet sponsor sponsor sponsoring Clydebank comes in at a close second.

Man Utd confident of landing top transfer target for £80m (Football Terrace)

GIVEMESPORT Awards

I guess I just need to find a drummer, guitarist, bassist, vaguely decent vocal chords and any semblance of musical talent to sponsor Tottenham with my new band 'North London is Red'. A seamless plan, I'm sure you'll agree.

But while I go through the tedious process of getting rejected by every musician with a brain cell in the local area, it's time that I faced the music and looked at the wider world of football regardless of whether they're sponsored by their local ginger genius.

So, from the carnage of the 'S***housery award' to the barely-justifiable 'Managerial Innuendo of the week', be sure to swap beautiful music for your resident tone-deaf journalist with the latest GMS Awards down below:

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Goal of the week

Rhys Oates vs Maidenhead

Rubio Rubin's bicycle kick and Burak Yilmaz's screamer might have been more high profile, but if Lionel Messi had scored the goal that Oates bagged for Hartlepool United at the weekend, we'd be talking about it for centuries.

However, just because Oates doesn't captain Barcelona, it doesn't mean he shouldn't be competing for the FIFA Puskas Award when he slalomed his way through half the Maidenhead team with some outrageously close-touch dribbling.

Player of the week

N'Golo Kante

It's been a fantastic week for plenty of top-class players with everyone from Robert Lewandowski, Jadon Sancho, Ruben Dias, Fikayo Tomori and Victor Osimhen breathing down the neck of the one and the only: Kante.

I mean, come on, aside from being darn brilliant in the Manchester City win, Kante was here, there and everywhere in a stunning Man of the Match display against Real Madrid. You can't disagree with me, either, because Kante is generally bloody lovely. 

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Manager of the week

Thomas Tuchel

Who else? As much as I'm happy to tip my hat to Paulo Fonseca, Steve Bruce, Stefano Pioli and Wayne Rooney, you'd be a madman not to give Tuchel this award after securing two massive wins for Chelsea.

Not only did Tuchel guide the Blues to only their second ever Champions League final, absolutely outclassing Zinedine Zidane, but he spoilt City's Premier League party with a last-gasp win at the Etihad Stadium.

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Game of the week

Derby County 3-3 Sheffield Wednesday

Sure, Borussia Dortmund 3-2 RB Leipzig and Real Madrid 2-2 Sevilla produced plenty of thrills and spills, but my ECG would have resembled a rollercoaster during Derby's dramatic escape from Championship relegation.

Rooney's side looked to be safe when Patrick Roberts put them 2-1 up on 52 minutes, but a pulse-racing two-goal comeback from Wednesday meant that it took Martyn Waghorn's late penalty to save the Rams from the drop.

Outrageous skill of the week

Jadon Sancho vs RB Leipzig

Swish your glass, smell the aromas and comment on those 'earthy tones' because sometimes there's nothing better than a good old nutmeg and Sancho dropped the perfect example during his Dortmund masterclass.

Dayot Upamecano was left contemplating the meaning of life when Sancho slipped the ball between his legs like he wasn't even there, perfectly capping off a 3-2 win in which he bagged two of BVB's goals.

Fallon d'Floor

Luis Suarez vs Barcelona

About time. Granted, Ollie Watkins experienced the ignominy of being sent off for diving against Manchester United, but if there's anyone who knows their way around the dark arts of football then it's definitely Suarez.

And true to his, erm, interesting character, Suarez marked his long-awaited return to Camp Nou with such an ambitious attempt at winning a penalty that it even prompted Marc-Andre ter Stegen to say: "Hey, Luis! Not like that."

Strangest punditry of the week

El Chiringuito on Eden Hazard

It's official: El Chiringuito is my new favourite thing. Even before I knew what Josep Pedrerol was launching in the direction of Hazard on Spanish television this week, I couldn't help chuckling from the sheer theatrics of it. 

I'm by no means championing the sentiment that "Hazard cannot continue for one second more in Madrid," but I'll openly admit that Pederol menacingly rubbing his hands to music you'd expect from a serial killer film cracks me up every time.

Disasterclass of the week

Sergio Aguero vs Chelsea

I feel harsh, I do, because Panenkas are a funny thing in football where you're either going to look like a total badass or a complete fool and you're inevitably going to be judged through the lens of hindsight if it's the latter.

However, I'd be lying to myself if I didn't say that Aguero made himself look silly by floating his penalty into the hands of Edouard Mendy when the title was there to be won. Fair play for the apology, mind, Sergio.

Tweet of the week

Villarreal

We've been seeing tweets underlining Unai Emery's superior tenure at Arsenal compared to Mikel Arteta for some time now, but there couldn't have been a clearer example of the former's superiority than during the Europa League semi-finals.

And it's hard not to think that Villarreal won Twitter when they reacted to Emery getting the better of Arteta by putting their own unique twist on the 'Good Ebening' joke that their manager is so cruelly battered with.

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Craziest bet of the week

£374,000 from £1 bet

After last week's request for someone to 'just dust off their gran's time machine and put down a bonkers 255-fold accumulator, so I can write about it next Monday,' my prayers have miraculously been answered.

Well, that's our only plausible explanation for a Liverpudlian punter spectacularly winning £374,000 from a £1 bet where they correctly predicted seven final scores, which astonishingly included five 2-0 shouts. Madness.

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Sunday League award

CFR Cluj player left behind

Ok, sure, Sunday League clubs don't exactly have team coaches - unless standards have risen since I last played - but there's something beautifully grassroots about a player being casually left behind at a pitch.

As such, when CFR Cluj's Ovidiu Hoban was hilariously abandoned at a stadium in Clinceni, helplessly flagging the vehicle down, we couldn't help thinking of the Duck and Hound prematurely pulling away in a Vauxhall Corsa.

S***housery award

Kai Havertz vs Real Madrid

Either I'm the most naive football fan in history or a complete angel - both theories have legs, it must be said - because Havertz pretending to do his laces, only to actually kick the ball away was completely new to me.

But now, I'm sat here wondering: "where has it been all my life?" So, sure, it might be the oldest trick in the book - as I'm reliably informed - but sometimes you can't beat the classics and you've got to rate him doing it in front of Sergio Ramos of all players.

Roy Keane award

Eden Hazard laughing with Chelsea players

Duh, what else was it going to be? Keane gets a migraine when players hug after a 0-0 draw in the Manchester derby, so just imagine how much furniture would have been flipped upside down when Hazard did this.

Don't get me wrong, we've already talked about Spanish TV losing their minds when Hazard joshed and joked with Kurt Zouma and Mendy upon Real's elimination, but I'm inclined to think that Keane would have topped their dismay.

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Urban Dictionary of the week

Word: Ranieri (verb)

Definition: Generally being an absolutely life-affirming gentleman of pure class

In a sentence: Dorothy across the road was raniering until she was blue in the face last week. I have no idea how she managed to volunteer at the soup kitchen, run a charity marathon, save a cat from a tree and open the door for 12,456 people at the post office in the same afternoon, but to her credit, she smashed it.

Managerial innuendo of the week

Sam Allardyce

"We should have put those teams to bed."

Nice sentiment, Big Sam, but that's not the way to dodge relegation...

TV Burp award

Most terrifyingly-soul-penetrating hand-related gesture of the week

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All my respect to you, Mr. Pedrerol, because you certainly know how to make gripping television and boy has your hand rubbing made for some spectacular memes.

Fancy a collab, Mr. Sheeran?

Cheers gang. No luck on the new band, I'm afraid, but I'm hoping that Sheeran will hop on board with my new, genius idea of bringing out branded calculators for his latest mathematically-titled tour.

My only take away is that I have no idea how to divide the earnings, but I hastened to add that they'll multiply based on how seamlessly it'll work with all his album titles.

I tell you, I'll be a millionaire by the time he's wobbling on stage with his zimmer frame for the sin/cos/tan tour. Mark my words.

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But in the mean time, I guess he'll have to face the tough task of functioning without his fourth-favourite GMS writer - he's a regular reader, obviously - and living the dream of watching his childhood club playing with his brand on their shirts.

I gather, naturally, that Ipswich's number nine will now have 18÷2 on the back of their shirt...

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